Twilight Zone
“How much longer will it be before we get that stationery?" asked the Office Supply Manager, "I ordered it a couple of weeks ago and it still hasn’t come in." Every order was accompanied by a purchase order, so I asked him to provide me with a copy of it. I wondered to myself how I could have missed placing that order. Turns out I didn’t miss it. Mr. Office Supply Manager was afraid of losing his job; he had screwed up so many times, they were looking to terminate him. Determined to place the blame squarely on me, he copied an old purchase order and changed the dates. You know, people never sign their names in the same place; it’s always a little up or down, left or right. Putting his last purchase order on top of a previous one on the light table exposed the fakery. Everything was dead-on exact, right down to the casually quick approval of his division VP.
I am never a candidate for sacrificial lamb, mostly because I grew up with the queen of manipulators. I just won’t play. I've found the best way to avoid being manipulated is to operate with your cards face up, in clear view, all the time, so everybody knows what you’re doing and why. This prevents people from taking credit for your work, and protects you from taking credit for their frell-ups.* The supply manager’s supervisor did not react with shock or horror that his employee forged a document to save his arse; but he was shocked and horrified that I used the word bullshit to describe the dirty deed. He was a covert-aggression expert using DIVERSION.
I don’t know many people who haven’t experienced working with manipulative personalities. What I find scary is how covert-aggression techniques slide right by, fooling even those of us who should know better. When you meet a master of diversion, it’s like trying to hit a moving target when they refuse to focus on one issue, such as a forged purchase order, and change the topic or dodge the subject in an effort to deflect the blame. Manipulators use distraction and diversion techniques to keep the focus off bad behaviors and keep themselves free to promote their self-serving, hidden agendas. Rather than respond directly to the forged purchase order, the supervisor diverted attention to my language. More on that later.
Covert-aggressors also use SELECTIVE INATTENTION, playing dumb when confronted. They will actively ignore requests for explanation and refuse to pay attention to anything that might distract them from pursuing their own agenda. They are experts in human behavior and know what you want when they start to shout “I don’t want to hear it!” The covert-aggressor actively refuses to submit to the task of paying attention to your request. They are also adept at using GUILT-TRIPS and SHAMING as weapons of intimidation. The supervisor proceeded to lecture me on how offensive my blasphemy was, though the term bullshit is in no way taking the Lord’s name in vain.
I knew I was being hoodwinked, but I didn’t know enough about personality defects to put my finger on the specifics. Now I know he was shaming and playing the victim to appeal to his superiors; less hostile personalities that can’t stand to see someone suffer. Manipulators will vilify their opponent to make it appear they are only defending themselves against the aggressor and put him on the defensive; some will pretend to be working on behalf of someone else, keeping their own ambition, power lust and dominance over others hidden. They use charm, praise and flattery to get people to surrender their trust and loyalty; and watch with glee as they fall under complete control.
So what’s the end of the supervisor story? He marched into Human Resources and demanded to know who I reported to—that’s how it works in corporate America. He paled slightly when he found it was the Chief Executive Officer, a man who sported shoulder length hair and played lead guitar in a rock band. He stormed into the big office at the front of the complex. “You need to do something about Susan Kirkland’s foul language,” said the supervisor to the CEO—makes me giggle just to think of it. He leaned forward in his big chair, rested his elbows on the desk and said, “What the frell can I do about it? She’s very good at her job.” In the world of curse words, bullshit isn’t nearly as bad as frell, so I heard the effect was pretty stunning.
The next time you find yourself being pulled into the otherworldly reality of a manipulative person, do a back flip and grab the edge of the nearest hard fact. If you find yourself surrounded by manipulative people, remember they make the best brainwashers and are highly prized by cults of all kinds. You can find more useful information in this book by George K. Simon titled In Sheep’s Clothing.
*Thanks to the writers of Farscape; another victim of a marketing jackarse who thought they ruled the world. Rock on.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thinking of freelancing for a living? Tired of doing the boss' castoffs? Better get some good advice on how to protect yourself from those who would rape and plunder your creative talents. Look for more stories and adventures in advertising design in my book Start and Run a Creative Services Business. It's filled with great links and a full spectrum of experiences. Not an artist? You'll be in stitches as you follow the pitfalls and adventures of self-employment. And if you've been freelancing for a while, you'll find new information and a trustworthy mentor to stand by your side through thick and thin in Start and Run a Creative Services Business. Excerpts are available online at my website.
Susan, that's one hxxx of a fxxxing great post! Cough. Always good to get these skeletons out of the closet and it reminds me once again of how much language lies at the heart of all our human interactions, and how poorly we use it. We have yet to put into practice even the most fundamental discoveries of those engaged in the philosophy of language, such as Searle.
I think that sadly for me, I may be the opposite to you - every time something goes wrong, I wonder "was this my fault, what could I have done to change it" - this is useless of course and I really should give myself a reality check. There was an instance very close to what you describe last week where someone I know booked a photographer but made an important mistake and then tried to blame him, by lying. I don't understand why she couldn't just say: "I'm sorry, my mistake" - what's the worst that could happen?
"Grab the edge of the nearest hard fact" is more than a useful anchor, Susan. Yes, it centers us when responding to manipulative people. At the same time, it correctly returns the meeting or discussion to the main topic. It also reminds other people in the room (if there are any others there) that there's a purpose and a focus to the discussion.
There's flip side to this: the same manipulative person can do the same thing, finding a weakness in your argument because the "nearest hard fact" may be in his or her favor.
Sadly, such people often ignore the "fact" that's been agreed upon previously, even when it's in writing. Chris alluded to this difficulty in his response. Even "getting something in writing" won't necessarily prevent manipulators from going their own way.
I agree with Linda. Saying "I'm sorry" is the fastest, easiest way to relieve yourself of the load of mischief you're carrying. They are also two of the hardest words for most anyone to say.
Excellent post, Susan! I've known people in management situations operate this way and the effects through the company are awful! Now to find the best way to deal with these types!